Reflection ....

Today has been one of those cold, dreary April days here in Indiana. One of those days that drives you inside. One of those days that leads down that dreaded little path that I like to call "reflection."

In August, I'm going to be coming up on essentially 10 years (with a slight break) at Purdue University. As I look back at those 10 years ... wow ... what a range of experiences.

On the school side, I've moved from engineering to education, and from bachelor's to working on my doctorate. That's quite a change, if I do say so myself. I'm also looking ahead ... I'm soon to start research, prelims, dissertation, and all that jazz. However, I'd say I have another 2 years until I graduate. Can you believe that ... 12 years!!! That's the same as moving from kindergarten through high school. It can't be that long, can it?

On the personal side, the more things change, the more they stay the same. I still love movies and video games, though honestly, movies have won out over games lately. I still love reading, and read through the whole Dennis Lehane "Kinsey Gennaro" detective books in the course of a week. I think my politics have shifted slightly left, though I'd still be ranked as a conservative (my liberalness tends to be with social issues, my conservativeness with fiscal ones).

Ah ... then we come to relationships. Always a fun topic, right? This is probably sad to admit, but I finally did have my first "girlfriend" during these past years ... and unfortunately it was in the middle of that 10 years. I guess following that, I had my first break up (over email ... damn technology), my first backslide, my first "love you," and my first long-distance relationship, knowing it never works, but also knowing that we were the exception. It didn't work. Then followed my second break up (face to face ... somehow better than email, right?). Growing from this experience, and following a string of one-and-out dates, came my second relationship. It again wasn't traditional (she had kids, a demanding job, and understandably little time for me ... though she gave me more than she really should have), but "love" entered the picture and we seemed happy ... well, until we didn't. I had tried to walk that fine line between cautiousness and lack of interest, and evidently fell on the bad side.

I find myself in need of truly asking ... how do these relationships reflect on me?

The first ... well, that one was probably pretty much a disaster waiting to happen. We were friends, tried to be more, and I think realized that our common interests had only a little overlap ... it was enough to sustain a (very good, IMO) friendship, but not enough for day-to-day exposure. She was beautiful, tall, skinny, and blonde ... everything I had convinced myself growing up that I'd never be able to have. Being my first love at a relatively old age, I saw her as a salvation to my fear of dying alone and refused to see that our lives had connected wonderfully for a few months, but had diverged onto paths not going the same direction, no matter what futile efforts we might make to change that. I think what I miss most is the friendship, not the relationship. We worked best when we talked about our interests and pal-ed around. We were at our worst when we both avoided hard conversations about anything that would have made it obvious that we were just not right for each other. I think we stayed together as long as we did because of our friendship, our trust in each other, and our effort not to hurt each other. It is unfortunate that by making some stupid decisions, we apparently lost everything.

The second ... well, this one is fresher, so I may not have perspective yet ... though I can say this: in the future, if I feel like I'm walking a tight-rope while having a conversation months (or a year) deep into a relationship, and that an innocuous wrong answer would send me plummeting off, I need to make the choice myself to step off at the next safe point. I don't think that stable, serious relationships should come down to a single wrong sentence, but I can tell you exactly where I was and what I said to bring number two to a slow, painful halt. You know what? I should have known sooner. She should have known sooner, too. Again, however, the curse of avoiding serious conversations struck again. I thought, and still think, on my end, that it could have worked. I loved her, was getting there with her kids, and got along quite well (I think) with her family and friends. I still should have known, however. It was the little clues, like when she said that "I would tell my next girlfriend how crazy my ex was," that probably should have tipped me off. Even if I was ready and willing, she was not. I'm no shining beacon of relationship confidence, but even I wouldn't talk like that until I had already thrown in the towel on the relationship.

Anyway ... that brings me to the present. I'm getting closer and closer to 30 (I told myself as a kid that I would be married when I was 25) and suddenly, marriage is in the air. I was best-man at a wedding last year with one of my ex-roommates, and I will be attending a wedding later this summer for my other one. My friends are getting jobs, getting families, and moving away, and soon I will be that "old" guy, the last of his group, alone yet surrounded by places that remind him of the past. I have a feeling that I'd be better served leaving Lafayette ... I mean, my life has become fairly sedentary and, with all of my friends gone or leaving, the only comfort left is routine ... and that routine does not include a lot of opportunities for new friendship or love.

I guess I'm to the point now of ... oh well. The more I look for love, the more elusive it becomes. It is funny how my mind works ... quickly setting up scenarios that show me that the only way I'll be happy is with person XXX doing thing YYY. It is not like I can really leave anyway ... I've got to finish up this degree, or it will have been years wasted. That's not to say I wouldn't leave if the right opportunity presented itself ... but I have no idea what that would be. Perhaps my much needed escape will occur when I plan my internship a year from now. Perhaps something else will turn up. As can be documented by this blog ... who knows what a year can bring?

And so ... we come to the end of my thoughts, dribbled out onto the screen. I can't imagine anyone will actually read this far ... I don't have many constant readers (1 I know of), and I'm sure even you get tired of this drivel, Matthew. However, this is the best and most honest way I know of to get my thoughts out of my head so that I don't have another sleepless night, wondering why I feel the need to have everyone like me and yet, with that need, am not able to convince ladies that I'm worthy material to even *date*.

Good night (or really, morning) dear blog ... and thank you for listening.